JEFFREY WEBB: Hi, Dan. Thanks for letting me come over. ME: No problem, Jeff!
JW: Mr. Webb will be fine.
ME: Welcome to Maysville, Kentucky. I mean, you could have flown me to the Caribbean if you wanted, but hey.
JW: I didn't want to jeopardize your journalistic credibility by making it appear that you accept favors.
ME: Yeah, that was just smashing of you, thinking of me like that.
JW: So, I wanted to talk to you about the CONCACAF Player of the Year Award.
ME: Oh, you're welcome. It's been, what, eleven years that I've given it out? Going on twelve?
JW: Yeah, about that –
ME: When I started, it was kind of a joke. Did I ever tell you that story?
JW: I'm sure it's fascinating, but –
ME: See, I was writing for Cyber Soccer News – that's seriously how long ago it was! People were still calling things "cyber" if it was on the Internet!
JW: Yeah, you bet. Listen –
ME: Although I guess they still have Cyber Monday. Anyway, I noticed you guys didn't have a Player of the Year Award, like other federations do. And I thought, I should give the award. Remember the Al Franken Decade on Saturday Night Live?
JW: What? No. Dan –
ME: Okay, so, the 70's were the Me Decade, and so Al Franken declares that the 1980's will be the Al Franken Decade. Why? Because he was on television, and he thought of it first.
JW: Yeah. Say, speaking of changing the subject –
ME: And for the rest of the year he would do news stories based on how it would affect him, Al Franken. He would say it just like that. "How does this affect me – Al Franken?" It was hilarious.
JW: Okay, look –
ME: He's a senator now. So, we're going to do this Player of the Award thing up right, yeah?
JW: Yes. We're going to make it official.
ME: I cannot wait. I got lots of big plans you're just gonna love.
JW: No, no. We are going to make it official Us.
ME: Right. You and me. About time, too.
JW: No, you don't –
ME: So I was thinking, you could have a bunch of people vote, and then I'd have my pick, like a veto.
JW: I think you should –
ME: Because, the USSF? They picked Jozy Altidore instead of Michael Bradley. This is where you and I could put that right.
JW: I don't think we would be –
ME: I mean, Jozy had a good year, but Bradley was just on another level, if you ask me.
JW: Sure, I guess. Dan –
ME: Which, you know – you are asking me! And I'm deciding!
JW: I wouldn't necessarily –
ME: And it's going to be official, too.
JW: Yes. Yes, it is going to be official. However, I'm not quite sure –
ME: Okay, tell me if I'm getting ahead of myself. The Dan Loney CONCACAF Player of the Year Award.
JW: …you're getting ahead of yourself.
ME: Like the Lamar Hunt US Open Cup.
JW: …I don't think that would be at all appropriate, Dan.
ME: You think it should be posthumous? Like, you would name it after me after I'm dead?
JW: …yes, quite a long time after you're dead.
ME: Well, okay.
JW: And after I'm dead, too.
ME: So, you're giving out separate goalkeeper awards and coach awards. Which is cool. Glad you're bringing some ideas to the table. But. Why would there be separate male and female PLAYER of the year awards, but only male choices for coach and goalkeeper?
JW: …well, it's a new process –
ME: Not for me. See, this is why I'm here. You can't buy my kind of experience.
JW: No. No, you can't.
ME: Okay, so how do we announce this? Should we have separate press releases, or –
JW: YES! Yes! Separate press releases! That would be perfect.
ME: Cool. You want me to run mine by you, or –
JW: Oh, no. No, you just release whatever you want.
ME: Cool beans. This is going to be awesome. You and me, Jeff, we're going to take CONCACAF to the twentieth century.
JW: I'm glad we've had this talk. Don't be any stranger.
ME: Thanks!
UPDATE: Wait, I don't see my name on this anywhere
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